It's my birthday. Most past birthdays in my life were always accompanied by a sort of longing. A sense of uneasiness that something is missing...a knowing ache that I'm not fulfilled (even though I, in fact, may have been and just not known).
But, not this one.
For the first time in my 32 years, I feel as if everything is in its proper and rightful place within myself and outside of myself. I'd like to say that I came to this realization after long, contemplative walks, talks over coffee, or years of therapy. Although those things helped...it's not why I feel at peace.
Here is why I feel at peace:
I decided to be at peace.
Here is why I decided to feel at peace:
Because Grey is here.
Here is why Grey is here:
To be a constant reminder to get over myself and my past and my shit and my negative thoughts.
I know that I would've come to this realization at some point without him, but he sure did help shove it in my face.
For the first time in 32 years, I can look at myself in the mirror and say, "Hi, body. I like you. You've been a good body. I'm sorry I did all the crap I did to you over the years. Let's let that go. Want some cake? Me, too, body. Me, too. Let's go get some. If you get bigger, body, I'll still make sure you're healthy, ok? If you get smaller, I'll still make sure you're healthy, ok? Thank you, body. Thank you, Self."
For the first time in 32 years, I can look at the person next to me (Beau) and say to myself, "We don't have to be perfect. He is wonderful. We can't stand each other sometimes, and that's okay. We scream horrible things at each other and laugh 20 minutes later. We are doing the best we can. And I know he'll never leave me. I know this because I'll never leave him. When the 'work' of this marriage gets too hard, we remind each other that huge awareness and love is just over the hill. Even the hard parts are good."
For the first time in 32 years, I didn't make a big deal out of my birthday. It was usually in jest in the past. I would send out a mass email to my family on November 1st, announcing that it was my "Birthday Month," where to forward checks, details on the party to come, etc. It was funny at the time (and still), but this year I didn't do it. I didn't because I don't really have the time to do that with a 9 month-old, but I REALLY didn't do it because I just didn't feel the need.
I have had the least self-involved birthday of my entire life. I don't even think I've received a present today, and I don't care. Here's what I care about:
- I care that I get to spend TIME with Lindsey at 1:00.
- I care that TWO old friends stopped by this week.
- I care that Grey laughed the hardest I'd ever seen or heard any baby laugh...and he did because I crumpled some paper.
- I care that my parents are still alive.
- I care that my husband loves me beyond belief or what seems reasonably normal. :)
- I care that people have come out of the woodworks to help me with my business.
- I care that Gus is still alive and kicking (with sore hips, even).
- I care that it rained a lot yesterday because we needed it.
- I care that my sister and brother and two of my best friends.
- I care about creating a happy, warm and cozy home for the holidays.
- I care that everyone knows how much I love them.
So...as I sit here on my 32nd birthday, listening to "Music for Airports" by Brian Eno, I am awash with feelings of gratefulness.
I am in love with being happy. (and with trying to be happy on days when it goes away)
Thank you to everyone, past or present that got me to this place. And thanks to me! I'm pretty cool! :)
