Shut It, Fear. I Win.

Writing is therapeutic for me. And, I am in need of therapy.

Yesterday, I realized that I'm worn down. My body is tired. My mind is exhausted. Every ounce of creativity is being forced from some quiet, tired place within. My art room is in shambles. There is glitter on my keyboard. Paintbrushes are strewn about beside erasers that have been used as stamps. A large container of Christmas ornaments sits beside a Buddha head candle. Mod Podge is everywhere. UV-Resistant Clear Acrylic Coating is the neighbor of a baby monitor.

And fear was swirling...whipping its stupid, idiotic comet tail around my brain over and over and over...and I couldn't make it stop.

But, today I high-fived Beau out of pure surrender. I think the conversation went something like this:

Cari: "So, did that $1,000 check get taken out of our account, yet?"
Beau: "Oh, I think so."
Cari: "Really? I didn't see it go through. I think we think we have more money than we do."
Beau: "Well, shit. I thought it went through."
Cari: "Let me check."

(30 seconds pass)

Cari: "Nope. It didn't go through. We don't have as much money as we thought we had."
Beau: "Well, that's awesome. The money is dwindling and no more money is ever going to come to us." (This last line was said as a joke.)

Cari: "Well, here's to having absolutely no money! Hope we didn't make the worst decision of our entire life! We're awesome!"

*High-Five*

We then proceeded to laugh and laugh at our "no money," "high-five" and complete willingness to be in the moment of our fear.

This moment of clarity, surrender and laughter led to 5 interesting happenings:

1. At the grocery store, I saw the new O Magazine. I never read O Magazine. But, I was strangely attracted to this issue. I have no idea why. I stood in the check-out line, saw the cover and said, "I'm going to get that O Magazine. It's calling me, and I have no idea why." Beau said, "Then get it. It's a sign." I purchased it. More to come on that...

2. On the way to Charlie's Chicken (because groceries just weren't going to satisfy the incessant need for gravy), I decided that I needed to call our mutual friend, Jason, and sing "All I Wanna Do is Have Some Fun" while utilizing my best Sheryl Crow impersonation. But, then I couldn't remember the words, so I decided on "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" by Britney Spears. I can do a KILLER Britney Spears impersonation. I like to call people and leave voicemails because I don't like talking on the phone. I do this a lot. I'll even send a text beforehand, sometimes, that says, "I'm about to call you. Don't answer."

So, when I told Beau of my plan to call and leave the message, he said, "Yeah, but Jason ALWAYS answers his phone." So, I said, "Well, then...I'll just call him, start singing, and then hang up when I'm through." So, I did. And Jason laughed for as long as I was on the phone. I'm not sure if he kept laughing because I hung up on him. I did get a text about 20 seconds later that said, plainly, "Gross." That was all I needed from Jason. No talking. Just for him to listen to my song and then send "gross."

3. Directly after leaving the voicemail, Sheryl Crow's "All I Wanna Do" came on the radio. It was if God was giving me fuel for my next voicemail. Will you be the recipient? Who knows...

4. The Greatful Dead's "Touch of Grey" came on directly after Sheryl Crow. Beau decided that it would be our family's anthem. One, for obvious reasons, and two, because of the lines, "We will get by...doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo...we will survive..." Grey appreciated this, for more reasons than one.

5. I came home and read O Magazine. The main theme of the issue was facing fear. Really getting deep into the whys of your fear. Looking at the underlying issues. Asking yourself what's really going on inside when the fear rises. Asking yourself what you truly want and becoming extremely clear on the subject. Why are you starting this new business? What do you want from it? What do you want to feel? Who do you want to be? Why are you scared? It was all about Oprah dealing with the fear of starting her new network, etc. And, although Oprah's problems seem to be so very far from my own...they're not. They're the basic fears of anyone that deal with ego, failure, insecurity, depression...

It was all about new beginnings and going after what you know makes you happy...living your best life, blah, blah, blah. The point is this:

The simple act of standing in the moment of my fear, hearing Beau vocally express it (all of our money is going away, and no more is ever coming - hahaha! Makes me laugh just thinking of it), and then choosing to "high-five" each other instead of freak out...well, that led to one moment after another of tumbling towards clarity. It led to the songs, to the magazine, etc.

I find that it's kind of like this: When you let the Universe know that you are sitting right in the middle of your fear, and you haven't let it suffocate you - that you're literally laughing through it - well, the Universe (or God, as I see it, as well), puts the most amazing things in front of your face. You just have to be willing to look. I told God/Love/What-Have-You that I wanted to look, and so he/she/it opened up some avenues for me. Some avenues that I can now stroll and saunter down instead of hiding behind every corner of each, new, unexplored and daunting alley.

I think I've pinpointed my main fear...and it's always been my main fear. I just haven't wanted to admit it. It's this: WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK OF ME?

Seriously.

That's it.

That's the only thing that has ever held me back from anything. Ever.

"What will people think of me? They might not like me. They may think I'm making a horrible decision. Those other people don't think I can do this. They don't think I'm good enough. They think what I do is 'cute.' They think I'm living in a dream world. What will they think if I fail? Then what will they say? There are already people that make snide remarks about what I'm doing. If I fail, THEN what will THOSE people think?" and it goes on and on and on until I talk myself out of whatever it is that I wanted to do.

The funny thing is that no one really cares what I do. These thoughts are all MY thoughts about myself. No one sits around thinking, "Cari Hollrah Adams is going to fail miserably. I want her to fail. She sucks. She's not good enough." In fact, it's quite the opposite. It's ME that thinks those things silently and secretively while putting on a "brave" face. And, you know what? If there ARE people out there that think those things about me...fuck off. See how easily I can say it to others that would say those things to me? Now, I must find a way to say it to my own brain. :)

I think that this entire process of starting the new business, going "against the grain," so to speak, if nothing else, is a huge, gigantic, enormous, gargantuan lesson in fear and/or the elimination of it. I've always been someone that didn't want to take the easy route, meaning, I didn't want to do what most people were doing. I didn't want to go to college. I didn't want to have a 9 to 5 job, etc. While those are all wonderful choices for many, many people...I knew in my heart that they weren't a part of my life's calling. And now the choices I have made in the past are creeping up on me once again, saying, "You did the 'husband has high-paying job where you got to buy whatever you wanted and feel 'safe' thing. Time to get back to business!"

And I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I am someone who chooses to take risks. I am someone that values emotional safety over financial safety. I will have both again, someday soon. But, for now...I like the risks I'm taking. I'm proud of us. We take risks. We live life. The words, "We can't do that," don't exist in this house. We just go (somewhat) blindly into the cold, dark night knowing against all things "reasonable" that we will come out the other side even better for taking the risk in the first place. Seriously...just this one life on this planet. That's all we have here. Every time I really, REALLY get scared, and if I can tell that Beau is going to his freaked-out-about-what-we've-chosen place, I just say, "Dead tomorrow. You could be dead tomorrow. We're making the right decision." It's an extremely dramatic way to bring us back to the place of peace that we need, but it's true...plus, we're just dramatic people. :)

While typing this all out, I just had this thought:

"Jesus. No wonder Grey has already crawled out the doggy door with pure abandon, not even looking back once (or forward for that matter), and crying when we brought him back in from his 'adventure.'" No wonder I found him balancing at the very top of his collapsed stroller yesterday. No wonder he just goes and goes and goes and never stops moving and seems as if he can't get to the next "big thing" fast enough."

He's learning from us. He can do anything he puts his mind to. And he's learning that from us.

Thank God.

*High five, Grey Matthew. High five.*