You Know Who Sucks At Life?

1. People that don't like children.

We get it. You're so into yourself that you choose not to take two seconds to imagine what it would be like to put yourself in the place of a child, therefore initializing the warmth of empathy and compassion that dwells within. You're awesome. You make sarcastic comments and wear huge sunglasses. You roll your eyes when a baby cries. That makes you special, cooler than the rest of us, more sophisticated and "over it."

You know what else it makes you? Someone who sucks at life.

2. People that confuse breastfeeding with sexual touch.

On the Today show, I heard a panel of idiots talking about breastfeeding in public. One woman said, "I mean, I go to the bathroom, but I don't do it in public." That makes sense. Because taking a huge shit and nourishing my human boy is completely comparable. It's actually the first thing I think of when I'm breastfeeding him. "Man, this reminds me of something...(latch, drink, drink)...hmm...I can't quite put my finger on it...(soothing smile, nutritious milk, best possible calcium source)...it's kind of like...AH, YES...TAKING A HUGE SHIT."

But, my point is that they aren't trying to compare it to going to the bathroom. That's just a roundabout way of comparing it to modesty, which then leads to...dun-dun-DUN...sex. Let me get this straight...

My child can see horrible images of murder, blood, disease, violation of human rights, starvation, violence of unimaginable proportions, graphic details of rape, etc. at pretty much any time of day on TV...but, I can't feed my son on a bus with my boob. Got it. Awesome priorities, America. AWESOME.

Anywho, I'm sorry you're confusing sexual touch with the most beautiful connection two people can ever have. Hope you get some professional help for that soon. That's kind of sick in the head. You're gross.

3. The Brilliant Advertising Team Behind Vagisil Feminine Wash

Do I really have to go over this again? Okay...for the last time, ladies:

Feminine washes aren't good for you. They mess with the natural pH of your body. Advertisers (mostly men) want you to buy this so that you have one more thing about which to feel shitty/insecure. Guess what? A good ol' bar of Irish Spring will do the trick. There is literally NO NEED for a special wash for that area. You are wasting your money. NOW...back to the commercial I saw this morning:

A woman turns away in shame, all the while looking embarassed, confused, sad and alone at some sort of work function. Then the copy: "I found out the hard way. All feminine washes are NOT the same..."

(Deep breath by me)

Three things:

1. Found out the hard way? F*&king sick. What the hell are you talking about? If it was really that bad, then you probably have some horrible medical condition, and in that case, you need to see a doctor, pronto.

2. I love it how in commercials that target womens' medical problems, the women are always made to look ashamed or embarassed. As if they're not "clean" enough. Or as if they are less of a woman because they have to pee all the time. I've worked at an advertising firm before. They're evil. Seriously evil.

3. You're wrong, Vagisil. All feminine washes are EXACTLY the same. You know how they're all the same?

THEY ALL SUCK AT LIFE.

In closing, I'm tired. I'm tired of being a woman who has to explain to a man how I should be treated with kindness and respect. I'm tired of men (and women) telling me that my body is something that should be hidden, treated for its strange ailments, hidden from the public, mocked for its imperfections, etc.

Look, I don't want to be an anger ball, but could everyone just get with the program?

Be nicer. Be nicer to children. Be nicer to women. Stop sucking at life.

Let Go, Let...Ugh.

I would like to do two things.

#1: Let go, let god.

#2: Stop using "qualifiers" and explanations when I use the term "Let go, let god."

Here's the deal, y'all:

I like the term "let go, let god." It's simple. It's thorough. It explains everything without having to harp on the particulars. In simple terms (for me), it translates to: "Oh, just f*&k it, people. Give it up. Put it out there, and set it free." But, when a friend, husband or family member in need is going through a particularly rough time, I find myself saying:

"Okay, I know this is a stupid saying, BUT..." or "This is sooo Oprah and dumb, BUT..." or "You know that my understanding of God is totally different from how most people are going to take this statement, BUT..." or "What I'm about to say is totally the kind of thing you'd see at Hobby Lobby, painted in pink with white swirlys on a plank of wood that you're supposed to hang in your kitchen, BUT..."

Every time. Every, single time, I qualify "let go, let god" before I say it. Even to Beau. And Beau knows exactly the point that I'm trying to get across. He needs no explanation. YET...I still give the explanation.

Why don't I just say, "Please don't think I'm not cool anymore, BUT..." I mean, it's that pathetically narcissistic, right? Yes, yes it is. Or maybe I just don't want anyone to misinterpret my idea of what "god" is? Why does that even effing matter?

Sometimes I try to say it with an air of fake suaveness, so that people will think I'm half joking. "Hey, you know what they say...let go, let god," (wink, finger point, double click sound in mouth).

Nothing works, blodience. (That's you guys. You're my blog-audience, but I don't want to type that out every time.) Seriously, nothing works to convey my sense of urgency or belief. I either: 1. Come across as a religious zealot or 2. Come across as a smug, hipster-type who thinks nothing (but secretly everything) of what I'm trying to say.

So, here...once and for all. Here is what I'm trying to say when I say "Let go, let god" to you. You should be so blessed to hear it from me, by the way. HERE:

Don't sweat the small stuff. That's just how the cookie crumbles, you know? Live, laugh and love. It's all in a day's work. You just hit the nail on the head. It's like finding a needle in a haystack!

I think I went a little overboard with the above joke. Sorry. Okay, here's actually what I mean:

Please, please, please for the love of God (which to anyone at any given time can and may mean: nature, the Universe, life, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, or NOTHING), stop trying to control every little thing in your life. Give it up. Let it go. Surrender. Give it away. Put it on something else. Give it to god...again...my understanding: NOT A MAN IN THE SKY, peeps. Just some crazy, cool energy and love. GIVE UP YOUR CONTROL TO LOVE.


The sooner you give up the illusion of control, the sooner peace of mind will come. (Did you know that I actually have a hard time typing out the word "sooner" without a scowl on my face? Just thought I'd share. It's like little, sickening sooner particles enter my face and turn my smile upside down when I type it.) I'll replace it with "cry babies." That should help.

The cry babies you give up the illusion of control, the cry babies peace of mind will come.

Yes, that was better.

Honestly, though, if we could really control the Universe, we'd all be married to the lead singer from the National, living in a loft apartment in NYC, chain smoking and writing sad indie-pop in vintage Chanel, you know? No? That dream not really resonating with anybody else? Sorry.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this:

We don't need to qualify what we're saying. You know why? Because the people that matter don't mind, and the people that mind, don't....argh!!! Why are there so many good, over-used quotes and statements!?!?

I give up. Let go, let god. Do it. The cry babies the better.

Non-Suck It.

Yes, I know...I haven't written in seven months. I'm tired. I'm void of any creative energy. I have lots of excuses. If you'd like to hear them all, you can email me at: chollrah@gmail.com and I'd be happy to send them to you. There are many, many excuses, and I don't feel bad about making any of them. I do feel bad about not doing ANYTHING creative, though. I miss paint. I miss song. I miss write. I miss yoges (that's yoga for cool people). I miss draw. I miss make.

Beauregard Matthew Adams is constantly talking about a blog called Zen Habits. You can find it at: http://zenhabits.net

I mostly listen to him when he talks about it. The rest of the time, I block out what he's saying because it has too much meaning, and I can't deal with that right now. I'm starting to think that I'm about to have some huge transformation or realization or new beginning because I can't get into ANYTHING that means ANYTHING right now. I can, however, tell you \everything you want to know about pop culture at the current moment. Anything. It's all my brain can process. Anyhoo...as I was looking for writing inspiration today, I came across these "6 Questions to Ask Yourself" on the Zen Habits blog. I shall now answer them in hopes that I will have some sort of creative spark ignite into a mass-producing wildfire instead of trying to understand why the women on "Love in the Wild" are in ANY way attracted to Steele. Yes, his name is Steele. He's an idiot. Anyway, back to my transforming questions! Here we go! I can feel my chakras being aligned already!

1. Who do I love, and what am I doing about it?

I love food. I'm eating a LOT of food right now. Oh, wait...WHO...I love people that provide me with food. In order to keep them in my life, I attend their functions, sometimes kiss them, and often clean up after they provide the food. I also tell them how good their food tastes, in hopes that they'll make more of it.

2. Am I pursuing my dream, or is fear stopping me?

Fear is stopping me. Is that all I have to answer? Man, this is easy!

3. Am I doing something that matters?

I'd say that raising a human boy to be kind, understanding, confident and loving is probably one of the most important things that I could be doing. So, yeah. Stuff I do matters.

4. What am I doing to help others?

Whenever someone makes me something to eat, I clean the plates and stuff. I think I may have mentioned that one already. Hmmm...OH! I wipe a child's ass all day long. I also provide ACTUAL FOOD from my own body for the aforementioned child. As in, like, I totally make it with my own boobs. It's pretty awesome. Sometimes I get Beau a glass of water. Sometimes I sacrifice everything that I want to do with my life so that another person can do everything that they want to do with their life...so, yeah...that one's kind of big.

5. Am I as good a person as I want to be?

Look...I try, alright? God, Zen Habits. What more do you want from me?!?

6. What am I doing to live life with passion, health and energy?

Let's see. How about this sh*t: I completely quit smoking. Like, not the "I'll have one every now and then and plan it around breastfeeding so that my child gets little to no nicotine" kind. Not that kind. Like the, "After 16 years (minus no smoking during pregnancy...duh), I think I'll give up the thing with that I most define myself. The thing that gets me through the day. The thing that I have associated with being creative, interesting, etc. The thing I did when excited, scared, bored, happy, mad, annoyed..." Did I mention that? Did I mention I gave up the thing that my mind has told me it loves and needs more than anything in the whole wide world for the past 16 years? Addiction is neat. Sometimes not smoking makes you feel like you have nothing to live for anymore! Cool, huh?! So much fun!

Thirty-five days of no smoking. THAT MEANS, only 15 years and 330 days until I'll have "not smoked" as long as I've "smoked"!!!!

I'm so excited for when I'm 47 1/2!!!

Well, everyone, this blog post has really been a true jewel-encrusted dream of an experience. I've thoroughly enjoyed our time together, and I'll be sure and write every, single day from here on out just right after I design that sarcasm font I've been talking about for so long!

LYLAS!

New Etsy Store!

Hey, there everyone!

I just wanted to let you know that I started an Etsy store (finally). It's such an easy way to get my products out there, and I'm tired of thinking about my website right now. I'm such a lazy entrepreneur...oh, well. Actually, I'm not lazy. I'm tired. Very, very tired.

So, anyway...go check it out. Do it. Check out my stuff. Then buy it. All of it. Thank you.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/CareEvenMore

Care Even More...heh heh. I'm funny.

Shut It, Fear. I Win.

Writing is therapeutic for me. And, I am in need of therapy.

Yesterday, I realized that I'm worn down. My body is tired. My mind is exhausted. Every ounce of creativity is being forced from some quiet, tired place within. My art room is in shambles. There is glitter on my keyboard. Paintbrushes are strewn about beside erasers that have been used as stamps. A large container of Christmas ornaments sits beside a Buddha head candle. Mod Podge is everywhere. UV-Resistant Clear Acrylic Coating is the neighbor of a baby monitor.

And fear was swirling...whipping its stupid, idiotic comet tail around my brain over and over and over...and I couldn't make it stop.

But, today I high-fived Beau out of pure surrender. I think the conversation went something like this:

Cari: "So, did that $1,000 check get taken out of our account, yet?"
Beau: "Oh, I think so."
Cari: "Really? I didn't see it go through. I think we think we have more money than we do."
Beau: "Well, shit. I thought it went through."
Cari: "Let me check."

(30 seconds pass)

Cari: "Nope. It didn't go through. We don't have as much money as we thought we had."
Beau: "Well, that's awesome. The money is dwindling and no more money is ever going to come to us." (This last line was said as a joke.)

Cari: "Well, here's to having absolutely no money! Hope we didn't make the worst decision of our entire life! We're awesome!"

*High-Five*

We then proceeded to laugh and laugh at our "no money," "high-five" and complete willingness to be in the moment of our fear.

This moment of clarity, surrender and laughter led to 5 interesting happenings:

1. At the grocery store, I saw the new O Magazine. I never read O Magazine. But, I was strangely attracted to this issue. I have no idea why. I stood in the check-out line, saw the cover and said, "I'm going to get that O Magazine. It's calling me, and I have no idea why." Beau said, "Then get it. It's a sign." I purchased it. More to come on that...

2. On the way to Charlie's Chicken (because groceries just weren't going to satisfy the incessant need for gravy), I decided that I needed to call our mutual friend, Jason, and sing "All I Wanna Do is Have Some Fun" while utilizing my best Sheryl Crow impersonation. But, then I couldn't remember the words, so I decided on "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" by Britney Spears. I can do a KILLER Britney Spears impersonation. I like to call people and leave voicemails because I don't like talking on the phone. I do this a lot. I'll even send a text beforehand, sometimes, that says, "I'm about to call you. Don't answer."

So, when I told Beau of my plan to call and leave the message, he said, "Yeah, but Jason ALWAYS answers his phone." So, I said, "Well, then...I'll just call him, start singing, and then hang up when I'm through." So, I did. And Jason laughed for as long as I was on the phone. I'm not sure if he kept laughing because I hung up on him. I did get a text about 20 seconds later that said, plainly, "Gross." That was all I needed from Jason. No talking. Just for him to listen to my song and then send "gross."

3. Directly after leaving the voicemail, Sheryl Crow's "All I Wanna Do" came on the radio. It was if God was giving me fuel for my next voicemail. Will you be the recipient? Who knows...

4. The Greatful Dead's "Touch of Grey" came on directly after Sheryl Crow. Beau decided that it would be our family's anthem. One, for obvious reasons, and two, because of the lines, "We will get by...doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo...we will survive..." Grey appreciated this, for more reasons than one.

5. I came home and read O Magazine. The main theme of the issue was facing fear. Really getting deep into the whys of your fear. Looking at the underlying issues. Asking yourself what's really going on inside when the fear rises. Asking yourself what you truly want and becoming extremely clear on the subject. Why are you starting this new business? What do you want from it? What do you want to feel? Who do you want to be? Why are you scared? It was all about Oprah dealing with the fear of starting her new network, etc. And, although Oprah's problems seem to be so very far from my own...they're not. They're the basic fears of anyone that deal with ego, failure, insecurity, depression...

It was all about new beginnings and going after what you know makes you happy...living your best life, blah, blah, blah. The point is this:

The simple act of standing in the moment of my fear, hearing Beau vocally express it (all of our money is going away, and no more is ever coming - hahaha! Makes me laugh just thinking of it), and then choosing to "high-five" each other instead of freak out...well, that led to one moment after another of tumbling towards clarity. It led to the songs, to the magazine, etc.

I find that it's kind of like this: When you let the Universe know that you are sitting right in the middle of your fear, and you haven't let it suffocate you - that you're literally laughing through it - well, the Universe (or God, as I see it, as well), puts the most amazing things in front of your face. You just have to be willing to look. I told God/Love/What-Have-You that I wanted to look, and so he/she/it opened up some avenues for me. Some avenues that I can now stroll and saunter down instead of hiding behind every corner of each, new, unexplored and daunting alley.

I think I've pinpointed my main fear...and it's always been my main fear. I just haven't wanted to admit it. It's this: WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK OF ME?

Seriously.

That's it.

That's the only thing that has ever held me back from anything. Ever.

"What will people think of me? They might not like me. They may think I'm making a horrible decision. Those other people don't think I can do this. They don't think I'm good enough. They think what I do is 'cute.' They think I'm living in a dream world. What will they think if I fail? Then what will they say? There are already people that make snide remarks about what I'm doing. If I fail, THEN what will THOSE people think?" and it goes on and on and on until I talk myself out of whatever it is that I wanted to do.

The funny thing is that no one really cares what I do. These thoughts are all MY thoughts about myself. No one sits around thinking, "Cari Hollrah Adams is going to fail miserably. I want her to fail. She sucks. She's not good enough." In fact, it's quite the opposite. It's ME that thinks those things silently and secretively while putting on a "brave" face. And, you know what? If there ARE people out there that think those things about me...fuck off. See how easily I can say it to others that would say those things to me? Now, I must find a way to say it to my own brain. :)

I think that this entire process of starting the new business, going "against the grain," so to speak, if nothing else, is a huge, gigantic, enormous, gargantuan lesson in fear and/or the elimination of it. I've always been someone that didn't want to take the easy route, meaning, I didn't want to do what most people were doing. I didn't want to go to college. I didn't want to have a 9 to 5 job, etc. While those are all wonderful choices for many, many people...I knew in my heart that they weren't a part of my life's calling. And now the choices I have made in the past are creeping up on me once again, saying, "You did the 'husband has high-paying job where you got to buy whatever you wanted and feel 'safe' thing. Time to get back to business!"

And I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I am someone who chooses to take risks. I am someone that values emotional safety over financial safety. I will have both again, someday soon. But, for now...I like the risks I'm taking. I'm proud of us. We take risks. We live life. The words, "We can't do that," don't exist in this house. We just go (somewhat) blindly into the cold, dark night knowing against all things "reasonable" that we will come out the other side even better for taking the risk in the first place. Seriously...just this one life on this planet. That's all we have here. Every time I really, REALLY get scared, and if I can tell that Beau is going to his freaked-out-about-what-we've-chosen place, I just say, "Dead tomorrow. You could be dead tomorrow. We're making the right decision." It's an extremely dramatic way to bring us back to the place of peace that we need, but it's true...plus, we're just dramatic people. :)

While typing this all out, I just had this thought:

"Jesus. No wonder Grey has already crawled out the doggy door with pure abandon, not even looking back once (or forward for that matter), and crying when we brought him back in from his 'adventure.'" No wonder I found him balancing at the very top of his collapsed stroller yesterday. No wonder he just goes and goes and goes and never stops moving and seems as if he can't get to the next "big thing" fast enough."

He's learning from us. He can do anything he puts his mind to. And he's learning that from us.

Thank God.

*High five, Grey Matthew. High five.*

Feeling Extremely...

grateful.

It's my birthday. Most past birthdays in my life were always accompanied by a sort of longing. A sense of uneasiness that something is missing...a knowing ache that I'm not fulfilled (even though I, in fact, may have been and just not known).

But, not this one.

For the first time in my 32 years, I feel as if everything is in its proper and rightful place within myself and outside of myself. I'd like to say that I came to this realization after long, contemplative walks, talks over coffee, or years of therapy. Although those things helped...it's not why I feel at peace.

Here is why I feel at peace:

I decided to be at peace.

Here is why I decided to feel at peace:

Because Grey is here.

Here is why Grey is here:

To be a constant reminder to get over myself and my past and my shit and my negative thoughts.

I know that I would've come to this realization at some point without him, but he sure did help shove it in my face.

For the first time in 32 years, I can look at myself in the mirror and say, "Hi, body. I like you. You've been a good body. I'm sorry I did all the crap I did to you over the years. Let's let that go. Want some cake? Me, too, body. Me, too. Let's go get some. If you get bigger, body, I'll still make sure you're healthy, ok? If you get smaller, I'll still make sure you're healthy, ok? Thank you, body. Thank you, Self."

For the first time in 32 years, I can look at the person next to me (Beau) and say to myself, "We don't have to be perfect. He is wonderful. We can't stand each other sometimes, and that's okay. We scream horrible things at each other and laugh 20 minutes later. We are doing the best we can. And I know he'll never leave me. I know this because I'll never leave him. When the 'work' of this marriage gets too hard, we remind each other that huge awareness and love is just over the hill. Even the hard parts are good."

For the first time in 32 years, I didn't make a big deal out of my birthday. It was usually in jest in the past. I would send out a mass email to my family on November 1st, announcing that it was my "Birthday Month," where to forward checks, details on the party to come, etc. It was funny at the time (and still), but this year I didn't do it. I didn't because I don't really have the time to do that with a 9 month-old, but I REALLY didn't do it because I just didn't feel the need.

I have had the least self-involved birthday of my entire life. I don't even think I've received a present today, and I don't care. Here's what I care about:

• I care that I get to spend TIME with Lindsey at 1:00.
• I care that TWO old friends stopped by this week.
• I care that Grey laughed the hardest I'd ever seen or heard any baby laugh...and he did because I crumpled some paper.
• I care that my parents are still alive.
• I care that my husband loves me beyond belief or what seems reasonably normal. :)
• I care that people have come out of the woodworks to help me with my business.
• I care that Gus is still alive and kicking (with sore hips, even).
• I care that it rained a lot yesterday because we needed it.
• I care that my sister and brother and two of my best friends.
• I care about creating a happy, warm and cozy home for the holidays.
• I care that everyone knows how much I love them.

So...as I sit here on my 32nd birthday, listening to "Music for Airports" by Brian Eno, I am awash with feelings of gratefulness.

I am in love with being happy. (and with trying to be happy on days when it goes away)

Thank you to everyone, past or present that got me to this place. And thanks to me! I'm pretty cool! :)

Just Goin' For It...

Just a note to say that I haven't forgotten about my blog. I've just been completely and totally busy with...

Starting my card business! Yes, folks. You will soon be able to order "50 of those" if you so choose. Right now I am starting with Christmas/Holiday cards. The other night I came up with 10 designs after Grey went to bed. After drawing them, I said, "Let's do this shizz. Life's short. I want to make some cash!"

Beauregard wholeheartedly agreed.

So...pics to come soon. I just went to the printer and approved the proofs. They're now being printed...2500 of them. Wow. It's a little scary and a LOT exciting to finally be doing this! The cards will come in packs of 10, sealed in biodegradable clear plastic bags. That was a MUST for me. I really didn't want to put more plastic out into the world, but I knew I needed some sort of protective covering, and I found some wonderful products at www.clearbags.com

I love it that you can compost the plastic sleeve! YAY!

Alrighty, have to go do stuff while my extremely fussy and teething human boy naps. I'm the most excited EVER! I shall write more entertaining blogs when I get a chance, but I just wanted to "put it out to the Universe" that yes...yes, I AM following/chasing/designing this dream for myself.

Anybody want to help me stuff bags full of cards? Because I'll need help with that. :)

p.s. $20 for a pack of 10 cards. Seems reasonable enough to me...especially since they're AWESOME.