Things I Will Try to Not Do Ever

1. I have decided that I am going to try to not do team-building exercises ever again. Seeing as I have no job or connection to the world outside of my own brain, this should not be hard to accomplish. You never know, though. I could volunteer for something, and they could have some sort of get-to-know-each-other-type-game, and then I'll need to quietly excuse myself from the situation.

*side note: I will also try to not do any sort of group project. I never like those. In school, I would just end up completely frustrated with everyone else's lack of perfectionism and just do it all myself, all the while lamenting on how no one would help me do the project. I don't like working with groups of 3 or more people. They don't know how to do it right. I do.

2. I have decided that I will try to not run. Running is strange. When I see someone running down the road I think, "That person is running, and there isn't even a bear chasing them!" I am actually quite sure that you're not supposed to run from a bear, but who wouldn't? That is everyone's first instinct. Large, brown, furry mammal with claws and teeth that's roaring. RUN! And, yet, even in that situation...you're supposed to curl in a ball and act like you're dead. See? God wants us to stay still in all situations. That's how we preserve life. Whatever the guy's name is that ran from wherever to Marathon back in the day (3 years of Latin and no recollection of his name) DIED when he got there. Now people run the same distance and say, "I'm going to run that same amount of miles and NOT die!" Some make it. Sadly, some do not listen to God who, as previously stated, does not want us to run...and they die.

3. I am going to not have a cup of hot tea again. No matter how many times I try to enjoy a hot cup of tea, I'm let down. Every time. I realize that entire nations plan their daily schedule around this particular beverage, but I just can't get into it. It bores me. I imagine that conversation trails along the same line of whatever drink you're consuming. As in:

Beer Conversation:

"Man, I could really go for a bratwurst right now. And, I really like girls with big boobs."
"Yeah, man, me too."

(Granted, that may not seem interesting to most people, but hot dogs and boobs are pretty entertaining subjects of conversation and can lead to other even MORE entertaining conversations.)

(Red) Wine Conversation:

"The earth seemed a bit off-kilter yesterday, don't you think?"
"Yes, yes I do. A bit...askew, one might say?"
"Do you think this has to do with a revolution in the bowels of society?"
"I do. Cigarette?"
"Why, yes. Don' t mind if I do."
"Let's go see the Renoir exhibit tomorrow."
"Brunch first, of course!"
"But, of course. As if we would dream of viewing a master's work without enjoying brunch first!"

(I have no idea what I just wrote. That is just what some might say while having a glass of Pinot. Of course, I haven't had an effing glass of wine in 5 months, so my memory may be slightly off.)

Coffee Conversation:

"Dude, Kerouac is an effing genius."
"Are you kidding, man? Salinger. Salinger's where it's at. And, he's like...a recluse."
"Let's go try to find him. I heard he lives in Connecticut. Dude, we'd be legends in our own time. The only two dudes to ever drive up to Connecticut and meet J.D. Salinger."
"It'd be like On the Road."
"Man, that's Kerouac. Get off of Kerouac."
"Alright. We're doing it. We're driving to Connecticut to find Salinger."

(Bell rings. Announcements come on: "Will all Seniors with last names starting with "A" through "L" please report to the Student Center for Chess Club pictures."

"Damn it. Man, this school just continues to bring us down."
"I know, dude. It's all a game that's perpetuated by the rules of ancient man."
"You mean, THE man."
"Yeah, man. THE man."

(I'm pretty sure I had this actual conversation in high school. Change "Chess Club" to "Madrigal" and I'm right there in the middle of it.)

Tea Conversation:

"Would you like some tea?"
"Sure."

(That's all. They are so overwhelmed by the boredom of what they're consuming that they have nothing else to say, and life ceases to make sense, therefore plummeting them into a sea of sips and doldrums.)

**I've only thought of these three things that I'm not going to do ever again. When I think of another, I'll be sure to let everyone know. Cut my own hair? Probably will. Give up a part of myself for someone else? Yeah, that will most likely happen again at some point. Use newspaper to wrap presents with because I'm too lazy to buy the real wrapping paper and try to pass it off as fun, creative and good for the environment? Sure.

But, by gosh, I'll be damned if I ever do a team-building exercise, run or drink a cup of hot tea ever again! MARK MY WORDS!

Gray Hair, Marching and Stupid People

A couple days ago, while shopping in the baby section at Marshall's (which might just be my new fave discount store), I noticed an idiot woman. She had a child. He was 2. He wanted to play with baby toys. She told him that they were "not for big boys" but for "babies." He still wanted to play with them and was fascinated by whatever little colors and sounds were coming out of the damn toy. She scolded him again. Then, he walked through the clothes racks, and clothes came tumbling to the ground. She got really mad, then. She had promised him a "big boy" Spiderman toy and promptly told him that he wasn't getting it anymore as she picked up the clothes. I couldn't handle any more of this situation, so I moved onto looking at wallets. When I had progressed to shoes, I saw, or rather, heard the mother and child exiting the store rather quickly. The little boy was screaming and crying, "But I am a good boy, Mama! I am!" She was dragging him out of the store.

1. If you would've let your BABY son just play with the BABY toys that he was TOTALLY immersed in, this never would've happened. The BABY (he's 2, remember?) was stimulated by whatever the hell was going on with the toys. You drug him away, he got bored looking at the stupid Spiderman toy that you picked out, and decided to crawl under the clothes. I still want to hide in the clothes, lady. What did you expect?

2. Your brain is where creativity goes to die.

3. I don't like you. At all. No one thinks, "Oh, god...that poor woman and what she has to deal with." NO ONE THINKS THAT.

Onto bigger and brighter, rainbow-y type things:

I spent last weekend in Washington, D.C., visiting my sister (yay!) and attending the National Equality March (yay!)...actually, I should say something like (fabulous!). I have to say, after much speculation that there would be low attendance, that is wasn't the right "time" to have a National March, that it was a waste of time and money that could be spent in Maine, etc., from some members of the LGBT community....it was a total success. There were tens of thousands of people in attendance. Young, old, black, white, gay, straight...it was pretty f-ing amazing. At one point my sister and I stopped to have snacks in front of the White House. We had been standing for hours, waiting for the march to start, and I was tired and hungry. As I munched on cheese and crackers, staring at the White House, knowing the President was inside (he really was...he walked to church that morning with his family), and seeing this amazing number of people who felt and thought like me, I realized something:

"Oh, this must be what it's like to live in a blue state." Actually, I didn't think that. I thought, "Is this what church is like for normal people? This feeling of connectedness?" Then I got distracted because chocolate chip cookies were waiting patiently in line at the entrance of my mouth. Needless to say (which I think is a dumb term...if it's needless to say, then why am I saying it?) it was a pretty wonderful experience...not to mention that rainbow flags are beautiful and make me happy. Oh, one more thing: "Hey! Obama! Let mama marry mama!" is the best march chant EVER.

But, seriously, Obama. Let's put some action to those words, mmkay? Greeeaaaat.

Quick list of stuff that I need to get off my chest:

1. Balloon boy, you so crazy!

2. Northwest/Delta...two hours on the tarmac? Really? REALLY?!?!

3. Everyone is extra nice to a crying, pregnant girl...even airport security. If you want to have the best flight experience of your life, full of upgrades, extra snacks and freely offered-up seats from other passengers...get pregnant.

4. I highly recommend taking those open-air, double decker bus tours. I am past the point of caring if people on the ground think they are touristy or cheesy. They are. They are also extremely fun and informative. Just make sure you get on the right bus at the beginning so that you don't have to sneak off of it and get onto the actual bus line from which you bought your ticket. :)

5. Our nation's capital is absolutely breathtaking. I had forgotten how beautiful it is. It reminds me of why I was so obsessed with Presidents in 3rd grade. Seriously. Go visit. So beautiful.

6. I am currently working on 3 craft projects: a painting, knitting a baby blanket, and a cross-stitch. I have also decided that I'd like to be one of those women that makes little loaves of pumpkin bread and hands them out to people around the holidays.

I used to drink heavily, do drugs, smoke cigarettes and sing and travel in a band.
Last night I spent 1 hour and 43 minutes looking up the best recipe for zucchini bread..."3 eggs or 4? No, no...this recipe won't do!"

7. I recently discovered that I am not the only one in my family that likes to do algebraic equations for fun. Thanks for fessing up, Abbey! Smart blondes...gotta love 'em.

8. Speaking of blondes: I can no longer sit and watch my hair look ridiculous. I tried to see what my natural color was, I really, really did. It's a stupid color, I've decided. It's a stupid, brownish ashy gray color. Well, it's "riddled" with gray. As in, 50% gray. I'm not kidding. My mom didn't believe me until she looked at the top of my head while standing above me. Her exact words were, "WOW! You really DO have a lot of gray hair!" Thanks, Mom. I've been telling you this for years. So, now I must go get my hair did somewhere. I made an appointment at a random place. I'm going to pretend like the fumes of hair color are really good for my unborn child. Then, as the color penetrates my scalp, I'll just think, "It's like special vitamins. It's like special vitamins," over and over and then my thoughts will become things (just like the Secret!) and everything will be fine. I just don't want to get to that "skank" point with my roots. Right now I'm at "pretty cool-ish-like-when-Madonna-does-that-show-her-roots-thing," but I'm teetering on the edge of roots disaster.

9. All I wanted to eat in DC was a half-smoke from Ben's Chili Bowl. This was going to be a fairly easy task since my sister lives 2 blocks away from Ben's. Then Ben dies on Thursday. I get there on Friday. Line out the door for days...you get the picture. No half-smoke for me. Nobody cares if you're pregnant at Ben's. It's every man for themself.

10. As I was boarding my flight in Memphis, I was revelling in the fact that I had just been surrounded by wonderful, supportive, liberal people. I really was. I was just sitting there, smiling. Then I get a text from Beau. It reads: "There are anti-gay protesters at the PAC tonight with signs that say, "Die f*gs!" and "God hates you!" Good ol' Oklahoma!"

He was going to see David Sedaris, so we thought they were there for that. Turns out they were there to protest the 10-year anniversary of "The Laramie Project." Even better! You know...Matthew Shepherd. A young man gets tied up and strewn upon a fence and battered and tortured for his beliefs (sound familiar in ANY way, Christians?), and then they kill him. Exactly what can you protest about that? Pretty Christ-like of you, protesters. Pretty FUCKING Christ-like. Sar.cas.m.

Boy, was I glad to be back!

11. Tom Coburn has serious mental problems.

12. I want the entire Sedaris family to please come over for drinks.

13. The leaves are turning. Stare at one for a while. A long while. One turning leaf can change a lot of things.

Braggin'...

Just to let you know...

My husband has some pretty hilarious things to talk/write about on his blog:

http://beauadams.blogspot.com

Chiggity-check it out if you have time! Pretty damn funny.