Things I Will Try to Not Do Ever

1. I have decided that I am going to try to not do team-building exercises ever again. Seeing as I have no job or connection to the world outside of my own brain, this should not be hard to accomplish. You never know, though. I could volunteer for something, and they could have some sort of get-to-know-each-other-type-game, and then I'll need to quietly excuse myself from the situation.

*side note: I will also try to not do any sort of group project. I never like those. In school, I would just end up completely frustrated with everyone else's lack of perfectionism and just do it all myself, all the while lamenting on how no one would help me do the project. I don't like working with groups of 3 or more people. They don't know how to do it right. I do.

2. I have decided that I will try to not run. Running is strange. When I see someone running down the road I think, "That person is running, and there isn't even a bear chasing them!" I am actually quite sure that you're not supposed to run from a bear, but who wouldn't? That is everyone's first instinct. Large, brown, furry mammal with claws and teeth that's roaring. RUN! And, yet, even in that situation...you're supposed to curl in a ball and act like you're dead. See? God wants us to stay still in all situations. That's how we preserve life. Whatever the guy's name is that ran from wherever to Marathon back in the day (3 years of Latin and no recollection of his name) DIED when he got there. Now people run the same distance and say, "I'm going to run that same amount of miles and NOT die!" Some make it. Sadly, some do not listen to God who, as previously stated, does not want us to run...and they die.

3. I am going to not have a cup of hot tea again. No matter how many times I try to enjoy a hot cup of tea, I'm let down. Every time. I realize that entire nations plan their daily schedule around this particular beverage, but I just can't get into it. It bores me. I imagine that conversation trails along the same line of whatever drink you're consuming. As in:

Beer Conversation:

"Man, I could really go for a bratwurst right now. And, I really like girls with big boobs."
"Yeah, man, me too."

(Granted, that may not seem interesting to most people, but hot dogs and boobs are pretty entertaining subjects of conversation and can lead to other even MORE entertaining conversations.)

(Red) Wine Conversation:

"The earth seemed a bit off-kilter yesterday, don't you think?"
"Yes, yes I do. A bit...askew, one might say?"
"Do you think this has to do with a revolution in the bowels of society?"
"I do. Cigarette?"
"Why, yes. Don' t mind if I do."
"Let's go see the Renoir exhibit tomorrow."
"Brunch first, of course!"
"But, of course. As if we would dream of viewing a master's work without enjoying brunch first!"

(I have no idea what I just wrote. That is just what some might say while having a glass of Pinot. Of course, I haven't had an effing glass of wine in 5 months, so my memory may be slightly off.)

Coffee Conversation:

"Dude, Kerouac is an effing genius."
"Are you kidding, man? Salinger. Salinger's where it's at. And, he's like...a recluse."
"Let's go try to find him. I heard he lives in Connecticut. Dude, we'd be legends in our own time. The only two dudes to ever drive up to Connecticut and meet J.D. Salinger."
"It'd be like On the Road."
"Man, that's Kerouac. Get off of Kerouac."
"Alright. We're doing it. We're driving to Connecticut to find Salinger."

(Bell rings. Announcements come on: "Will all Seniors with last names starting with "A" through "L" please report to the Student Center for Chess Club pictures."

"Damn it. Man, this school just continues to bring us down."
"I know, dude. It's all a game that's perpetuated by the rules of ancient man."
"You mean, THE man."
"Yeah, man. THE man."

(I'm pretty sure I had this actual conversation in high school. Change "Chess Club" to "Madrigal" and I'm right there in the middle of it.)

Tea Conversation:

"Would you like some tea?"
"Sure."

(That's all. They are so overwhelmed by the boredom of what they're consuming that they have nothing else to say, and life ceases to make sense, therefore plummeting them into a sea of sips and doldrums.)

**I've only thought of these three things that I'm not going to do ever again. When I think of another, I'll be sure to let everyone know. Cut my own hair? Probably will. Give up a part of myself for someone else? Yeah, that will most likely happen again at some point. Use newspaper to wrap presents with because I'm too lazy to buy the real wrapping paper and try to pass it off as fun, creative and good for the environment? Sure.

But, by gosh, I'll be damned if I ever do a team-building exercise, run or drink a cup of hot tea ever again! MARK MY WORDS!