I Promise I Have Other Things to Talk About, But...

When a human is growing inside of you, you pretty much focus on that. Which brings me to what's been annoying me this week. Actually, what I'm about to write about has been annoying me for 12 weeks. Here we go:

Did you know that you're not supposed to eat deli meat when you're pregnant? DELI MEAT. Like, cold cuts. Ham. Turkey. WTF, people? And, if you so choose to eat deli meat, you're supposed to heat it up in the microwave until it's steaming hot. That's sick.

I think this is all complete bullshit. I think a lot of things that I read about pregnancy "dos and don'ts" are complete bullshit. I think they are scare tactics used by doctors and the FDA that make us freak out and not trust our own bodies. I refuse to follow these rules.

No sushi. Too much Mercury. No caffeine. Possible miscarriage. No alcohol. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. No deli meat. Listeriosis. No hot dogs, undercooked steak (uh, who eats steak WELL DONE???), some recommend no peanuts, no brie, feta or camembert, no shellfish, no raw oysters, very little fish...the list goes on and on.

What am I supposed to eat, people? Bread? Can I only have bread? These rules are completely ridiculous, and I find myself grabbing handfuls of sliced turkey and shoving them into my mouth, just to prove my point. If it comes to having peanut-filled sushi, smeared with brie and a cup of coffee to wash it down...I'll do it, just to prove my point.

If I didn't have my midwives, I would be going insane right now. Do you know what they said? Here it is:

"You can have 1-2 cups of coffee in the morning. It's not going to hurt anything. If the baby is going to miscarry, it's going to miscarry, and there's nothing you can do about it. It's not the coffee's fault, unless you're drinking a pot or two every single day. The coffee will actually help your sloth-like movements and will aid in the help of constipation." (Too much information? Wait until I get to the "mucus plug" stage...and, they didn't really say "sloth-like" movements, even though I wouldn't put it past them, the psychic "Witches of Brookside" that they are!)

They also told me that I could enjoy a glass of wine or a beer on special occasions. They also have special "ladies' nights" for their pregnant clients, and there is wine waiting for them. I haven't been able to enjoy this little luxury because of nausea, but HELLO?!? WINE!!!! YES!!!!

I honestly don't know if I'll be able to bring myself to enjoy a glass of wine while pregnant, though. I know that women do this all over the world all the time, but my mind has been so programmed to associate a sip of wine with fetal alcohol syndrome that I can't fathom doing it...even though I know it's a LIE WE'VE BEEN TOLD. One glass of wine, even once a week, after the 1st trimester is over is not going to do any damage. I know this. And, yet...can't bring myself to do it.

I have also come across some idiots that like to tell me that my choice of having the baby at home, without drugs, in my bedroom with Brian Eno playing is a bad idea and that "what if something goes wrong" and "how will you clean up the mess?" (that was my favorite question...how will I clean up the mess? Are you actually asking this question?) and "You'll really want that epidural." That last statement came from a man. He also called me a hippie and said that I'd been "reading too much" after I explained to him that the American Health/Hospital system has one of the highest infant mortality rates in the world. It's true. Then, I proceeded to get into an argument about where my baby would sleep and that all of the points he was making were outdated and found to be false. So, when he said, "You've been reading too much," I was at my breaking point and responded with, "And, you've obviously read nothing."

Seriously, dude. Don't fuck with my baby plans. I'll rip your balls off with my expert knowledge.

And seriously, though...really, MALE? You really know I'll want that epidural? Did you recently have a large pumpkin come out of your penis? Do you know the kind of pain I can handle when it comes to this shit? (Man, my mouth is getting dirtier and dirtier. I'm going to be a great mom.)

I supposed what I'm trying to covey is that people (especially people who have penises) probably shouldn't tell a pregnant woman what to expect during labor. And, they probably shouldn't tell a woman how much pain she can handle.

My cousin and best friend, Lindsey, had her little baby Luca on Monday. She was going the all-natural way at home with a midwife. She stayed at 9 centimeters for FIVE HOURS, until she couldn't take it anymore. She's 5'2" and tiny. Luca was 21 inches long and 8lbs. 6 oz.

So, MAN WITHOUT VAGINA, you probably shouldn't tell any more women what that feels like, okay? Great. Nice discussing this with you, passive aggressively, through blog writing.

p.s. I hope to not have every blog sound so sarcastic. So far, sarcasm and annoyance are the main two "mood groups" I have right now. People will have to deal.