I have a blogging friend (I keep calling her a blogging friend), but really she's just a friend. Before I had Grey, she asked me to please be honest with her about being a mother/raising a child/having a baby, etc. I told her I would be extremely honest. So, here we go...and, because I am so fond of lists, everything shall be in list form:
1. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, tried to do, wanted to do, experienced, had to do, etc. The hardest thing I have ever done. Ever.
2. Every day I have the thought, "I am the worst mother of all time. I can't do this." Then, in about 15 minutes, I have the thought, "Okay, I get this. I can do this."
3. My baby has a total freakout that starts at about 4:00p.m. every day. It can last for 10 minutes or a couple hours depending on gassiness or overall misunderstanding of the world. I think he's extremely sensitive, and sometimes the world is just too much for him. His little system is trying to adjust ever so slowly, and it's heartbreaking to watch at times.
4. I have had to tell myself, "Sometimes babies just cry, and there's nothing I can do but sit here and hold him and tell him that he's going to be okay," about EIGHT MILLION TIMES.
5. There is nothing like a crying, screaming baby. I think my entire nervous system goes into overdrive. The helpless feeling of not being able to make it stop is what I imagine hell might be like. Except in hell, there's a reason to be upset. My baby cries when everything is seemingly perfectly fine. I have been told that other babies do this, as well. I remind myself of this every, single day.
6. I have no idea why I thought I would have one of those perfectly content and happy babies. I mean, look at his mother and father? A bit...uh...intense, one might say? Grey Matthew is a good, good baby. He just has to freak out every once in awhile. So does his mother and father, which leads me to...
7. I have no idea why any couple would have a baby to try to save their marriage. In fact, if Beau and I didn't have a really supportive, amazing relationship...well...I don't know if we'd make it through this first month of baby-ness. This baby had such a rough entry into this world, both physically and emotionally. His parents are TIRED. And, every day we get into some sort of argument (helpful ones...ones that help us heal) that eventually brings us closer together. I'm sure Grey would like his parents to get their shit together sometime soon.
8. I have been peed on (and projectile pooped on) more times than I can count.
9. I am tired of bouncing. You know how babies like to be rocked? Not mine. Bounced. He will only bounce. I have to sit on an exercise ball and bounce with him for at LEAST an hour each day while he stares contentedly at the ceiling fan. If I stop bouncing for two seconds, he cries. I have bounced more than a middle aged kangaroo at this point. My quads are going to be so toned by the end of this bouncing stage. Please tell me it's a stage...please. Sometimes I think that the constant bouncing is what leads to the arguments between Beau and I. One can only bounce so much...
10. At times I have had this fantasy, and please remember that I wish to do no harm to my own child: When Grey has been crying for 2 hours straight, with little reprieve, I sometimes imagine that I can take him like a football and punt him across the neighborhood, where he lands safely on a huge bed of pillows down the street. He is safe...but, he's far, far away from me. :) I don't feel bad for admitting this. It helps me not go insane.
11. I have a baby that hates being kissed. He also hates having his head touched. All I want to do is kiss him and touch his head. It makes complete sense. I have days where if someone touches me, I want to hit them. Beau is the exact opposite, so it's been a real learning experience for him...having two people that don't want to be touched a lot. Poor Beau. He's doing so well with us.
12. No one tells you how fucking hard breast feeding is. BREAST FEEDING IS FUCKING HARD. There. Now, no one can ever say I didn't tell you so. My boobs hurt. My nipples hurt. It takes constant "management" of them to get through a feeding. Creams, potions, my own milk, heat packs, cold packs, lotions, salves, drying them out, massaging, breast pads, gel packs...you name it. Besides chopping them off and buying some formula...I've tried everything. Everyone in the entire world says that the pain will just magically disappear at some point. I'm waiting for the blessed day to arrive, patiently. Okay, not patiently at all. I take 8 ibuprofen a day for this. It HURTS. I'm going to reiterate this one more time: My nipples FUCKING HURT. If any lactation consultant tells you that your nipples should stop hurting within a week, or that your nipples shouldn't hurt for more than a week...well, they're fucking lying to you. Every woman I've talked to said it took them WEEKS...some said up to two months...for the pain to go away. Your nipples will split and be raw, cracked, red, aching...I cannot speak about this enough. There are not enough...elipses...to describe how hard it is. And, yet...I keep going because it's the most important thing that I'm doing. My home birth was taken away from me, but I can still do THIS, damn it.
13. There are times when I don't like being a mom very much at all. There are times when I want to run away. There are times when I think, "Someone else would be much better at this than me." But, then...he'll stare at me with his dark, dark, dark navy blue eyes while I'm feeding him, and he has a look of total innocence and trust, and I think...he loves me. He wants me to be his mom.
He chose me. The least I can do is say "thank you."
So, I thank him. And, then the day goes on, and my thoughts become a tiny bit more rational, and I remember that in the quiet moments (and some loud, scary ones), I am a really good mom to this little boy.
He's teaching me to be more patient than I ever wanted to be. It's hard. This is so, SO hard.
And, it's worth it.
Was that honest enough for you? ;)
I was going to call/email you to see how it was going, but now I know. I know for a fact that you are doing a great job. I've witnessed it. I love you. You are one of the bravest, strongest women I know. I learned so much from you just watching you care for him. Even though you thought that you didn't know what you were doing, you did it anyway. That takes a lot of guts.
ReplyDeleteIt was 8 weeks for me for breastfeeding pain. I remember because it was just starting to feel better when I went back to work. And then I had 10 more months of painless, stress-free (mostly), beautiful breastfeeding. Okay, it wasn't perfect. Lots of ups and downs. A few dips in supply and pumping was a pain the ass. But it never HURT like it did in those first few weeks. I actually know someone who took her baby to the ER because he was spitting up blood. Turns out, it was just from her cracked nipples. It sucks and no one ever tells you it's going to suck like that at first.
ReplyDeleteLots of gel breast pads in the fridge, and I would sleep with them in the air on a few towels at night. And honestly, Elliot had a great latch, so I had no problems with pumping every once in a while to give my nips a break from the baby action.
I know you know it will get better, but if it helps to hear it from yet another person... IT WILL GET BETTER. Hang in there, you're doing the best thing for Grey. Congrats, mama.
This was perfect! A little scary, but perfect. I knew you would come through. A+
ReplyDelete