An Interview with Cari Adams

*This interview was conducted by Cari Elaine Adams. She decided to interview herself on the rare occasion that she was able to consume 4 small glasses of wine on June 29th, 2010.

So, Cari, we hear that you're a mom now. What is the best part of being a mom?

Well, let's see. Besides having my son sometimes look at me as if I am the love of his life, I would have to say that the best part of being a mom is the fact that I am being forced to "get over myself" on a daily basis. I used to think it was extremely uncool to wear clothes that were indicative of a certain occasion or holiday. This idea has been discarded. Grey Matthew now owns a "Daddy's Caddy in Training" onesie (courtesy of Father's Day), and a "My First Halloween" onesie, that WILL be worn on Halloween. On the 4th of July, he will be wearing his new cap, a white onesie and his red, white and blue madras shorts. It's cute. Deal with it, self.

I also have pretty much ZERO time for myself now, which is a blessing in disguise. Man, I could make a petty argument into such a big deal when given the time to ponder and obsess. Yeah...don't really have time to care, anymore.

What is the worst part about being a mother?

I have pretty much ZERO time for myself now. The other day I realized that I couldn't remember when I had showered last. I'm not kidding. It had been that long. I also constantly worry about the unheard of amount of "life decisions" that I have to make for another human being. It's weird. The fact that I named another human being is weird. I find myself wondering if the music that I subject him to is "intelligent" enough. He doesn't care, of course. He just likes me no matter what I do or who I portray myself to be...which is also hard to comprehend. He's making me try to like myself. Damn you, baby!

What kick-ass music are you listening to now? You know...because you're a musician and a songwriter?

I've come up with a few hits lately. If you're 4 1/2 months old, you're TOTALLY going to love them. They're called:

"Please Stop Screaming While I Put Pajamas on Your Lotion-y Skin" (Beau co-wrote this one.)

"Don't Worry, I'm Not Going to Leave You in That Jumparoo for Much Longer"

"The Inward Facing Carrier is Just as Good as the Front Facing Carrier, So Like It"

"Bumbos are for Big Boys...Try to Stay in Yours for More than 2 Minutes"

and my personal favorite:

"How in the Hell Did I Ever Exist Without You Because You're Pretty Much the Best Thing Ever to Come into Existence?"

You're a big reader. What books are you enjoying right now?

The Baby Book by Dr. Sears

The Vaccine Book by Dr. Sears (his son, actually)

Gabe's blog

Beau's blog

I skim emails.

I occasionally peruse www.perezhilton.com

Nice. I once read 7 books in one month when I was 27. They were all classics. Yes, I was trying to ignore the fact that my first marriage was imploding, but STILL. Seven classics in one month. I'm now excited if I get to see 9 minutes of the Fourth Hour of the Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda. So gross.

How were those 4 small glasses of wine tonight?

Liquid heaven.

What is the most surprising thing about motherhood?

I have a new understanding of my own mother and what she must have felt, seen, been worried about, NOT understood, been scared by, loved, and experienced. This knowledge that she went through all of this (at 23, 26 and 29, mind you) is incredible. I feel a connection that I didn't know existed, and I am so grateful for her advice.

Example:

Cari: "Hey, Mom. Do you think that Grey will be okay on the plane ride to Colorado in August? I don't want him to get sick. He won't have had his pertussis shots by then. Do you think he'll get sick?"

Mom: "No, he won't get sick."

Cari: "Okay, good."

(I truly believe that if my mom says something won't happen, it won't.)

What did you have for dinner tonight?

6 pieces of sushi left over from lunch and a large peanut butter pop. (Scoop of peanut butter on a spoon.)

Have you always eaten such strange combinations of food?

Yes.

What is your most favorite song EVER?

Sweet Thing by Van Morrison

Why?

Because of the lines:

"And I will walk and talk in gardens all wet with rain,"

"And I will never, ever, ever grow so old again,"

"And I shall drive my chariot down your streets and cry, 'Hey it's me, I'm dynamite, and I don't know why,'"

AND...

"Just to dig it all and not to wonder, that's just fine."

BEST. LYRICS. EVER.

Why are you strangely attracted to some famous men that are not perceived as being particularly "handsome"???

Because they are either:

1. Funny

2. Funny, or

3. Funny

Who would those men be?

1. Conan O'Brien

2. Zach Galifianakis

3. Jason Segel

Will you have a nervous breakdown when Gus dies?

Pretty much.

Will you only have it in the bathroom with the door closed, by yourself and quietly because you now have to think about how your actions affect another human being?

Yes.

Why does a dog mean so much to you?

Because he stood by me when no one else did. (Except for Andrew, of course.)

So, you're now comparing a dog to your best guy friend?

Everyone I know would agree that Gus and Andrew are very much alike. :)

Some people say, "I have no regrets." How do you feel about that statement?

I think it's a wonderful sentiment because wouldn't we all love to take the position of, "Everything I did or was is why I am where I am now..."

BUT...

I just don't find it to be a completely honest statement of what I truly believe. There are many, many things I wish I could "do over." I have hurt people beyond belief, I have misused power, I have taken more than I gave...many things.

What are you talking about? You're a really good person.

Thanks, self. You always pull through for me. But, really, though. I wish that I could sit down with a couple people and look them in the eye and tell them how sorry I am. These people would brush off my apology and think that I was living in the past. But, I'm not, these people! I'm just trying to be accountable for my actions! You know what? EFF YOU, THESE PEOPLE! YOU DON'T DESERVE MY APOLOGY! (Just kidding.)

Why are you so funny, Cari? WHY?

Bob Hollrah.

Do you have any advice?

Trust your gut instincts. Every, single time I have had an instinct about something or someone, it has turned out to be true. Whether it be, "I really don't want to adopt this little homeless, neighborhood dog. He looks like trouble," and I do it anyway, or "I don't trust this man," or "Dying my hair brown is probably not the best decision," they always turn out to be true. Every. Single. Time.

Do you have any pet peeves?

Yes. People that talk badly about Oklahoma. If you don't like it, leave. Or else just don't say anything. I love my state. I truly do. Yes, it's backwards, and the people are backwards, and the roads are bad, and the government is ridiculous, and it's HOT, and there are no mountains and no ocean and hardly any money for education, etc. I get it.

But, there is a quiet beauty to this land. Have you ever stood facing west at dusk on a farm just east of Enid looking over fields of golden wheat with a slight breeze coming from the north and a glimpse of your Grandma cooking something wonderful in your peripheral vision through the kitchen window in October?

That's Oklahoma.

What is the weirdest thing you've said in the past week?

?I can't find the right review! So, there's a DIFFERENT kind of Jumparoo? Oh, wait. There it is. We got the Precious Planet one in 'khaki sands,' right?"

Do you feel like a mom?

No. I feel like I'm pretending to be a mom. It's very weird.

What's the most amazing thing about moms?

Hmm...probably the fact that they just keep going. You haven't showered in days, you woke up 3 times in the middle of the night to feed and console, you don't remember how to apply eye make up, you have folded 26 onesies in 2 minutes while singing about it in hopes that your baby doesn't get bored, you point and talk and explain and explore and laugh and cry and you haven't slept for 8 straight hours in more than a year, and you use your "down time" to finally wipe down the kitchen counter instead of taking a nap, and you don't brush your teeth because your son hates where you laid him down for 2 seconds, and you don't TRULY finish a blog because you just heard your baby cough...

And you just. keep. going. Because you have to. Because you want to. Because that's what moms do.

So, you really did hear your son just cough?

Yes.

So, you should probably go?

Yes.

Are you happy now? Happy with the way things turned out?

God, yes.

What was truly, TRULY important 5 years ago?

Making sure everyone knew how cool and deep I was.

What is truly, TRULY important TODAY?

Finding a new way to make him laugh.

What will be important in 5 years?

Finding a new way to make him laugh.

Lord Knows...

It's really hot outside. To dissuade myself from killing myself, I decided to take a drive today.

Grey and I went on a little trip to Stillwater, Oklahoma to visit Aunt Deresa at the Beadery (I want everything in there), Mimi (Mom), Uncle Drew and Great-Grandma Turvey (she'd never seen him!). As we were cruising along in our air-conditioned compact SUV (as if reminding everyone that it's "compact" makes the gas mileage get any better), I approached a small bus. On the back of the bus, there was a message.

It read:

"We're following Jesus. Are you?"

This is the kind of shit for which I live. I thought about the question in-depth. After much deliberation, I decided that they were being literal.

"No. No, I am not following Jesus, tiny bus. I am following you. Your bus is in front of me. But, if you are truly following Jesus, then this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for my child and myself to see Christ up close and personal."

Oh, the pedal hit the METAL, my friends.

I immediately sped up to pass the bus. I think I may have seen a sliver of light descend from the heavens. My heart was racing. I knew that in a few short moments, I would see the face of God. Unfortunately, Jesus speeds like a Mofo, and I couldn't put my child in jeopardy by accelerating to 90mph, which is far, far slower than the speed Jesus was driving in what appeared as only a flash of silver whizzing down a long and winding road. I couldn't believe that Jesus would be so reckless behind the wheel, but hey...he's Jesus. It's "how he do."

My only solace was that I could still ascertain the make and model of the silver flash that Jesus drove. And, here I have the evidence for you now...

What, my friends...what would Jesus drive?

A silver Pontiac Vibe.

Which was instantaneously strange...

because my best friend AND my brother and sister-in-law ALSO drive silver Pontiac Vibes. And that propels me further to these conclusions from my Spiritual Speeding Speculation:

God (or what you know to be true in this world) is everywhere, all of the time.

(And so are Pontiac Vibes, apparently.)

Whatever you have made to be true, whether that be positive or negative, real or imaginary, love, hate, sickness, health, etc., is everywhere...ALL of the time...in your life. If you love what your truth is...you made that. If you hate what your truth is...you made it. Your life is exactly the way it is because you made it that way. You are unhappy because you choose it. You are happy because you choose it.

So own up to it.

I am trying to, daily.

So, yes, intrusive, personal-question-asking bus...if you MUST know...

I guess I am following Jesus if you take my interpretation of "Jesus" to be everything that does and does not encompass the entire Universe.

Who knew?

(Probably Jesus)

Insane Fears and Conclusions: Happiness is a Right

There is an overwhelming fear inside of my body right now. I can't put my finger on what it is, really. I think it has something to do with the fact that I know I want to start my own business, and I am SCARED SHITLESS. It needs to have something to do with making things with my hands. Art, greeting cards, typing words, constructing words out of thoughts, thoughts into things, feeling something concrete in my hands that I then, in turn, ship to someone. I want to give little parts of myself away.

I have always known my hands to do the greatest work of my life, thus far. I used them to play Sonatas on the cello. I used them to draw. I used them to massage for 5 years. They have strummed guitars, plunked on the piano...held a baby.

Once, I asked my sister to try to define "me" by using a body part. She said, "hands." Thank God she didn't say "ass." :)

So, this fear. This underlying fear that I am incapable of following through with something. I am not afraid of trying. I am not afraid of the actual physicality of making the objects. I am afraid of sending them off to people. I'm paralyzed at the thought that someone might say, "Yes! I'll take 50 of those!" Then I have to make 50 of those. Which is what I wanted to do in the first place. But, now I really have to do it. What if they don't like my 50 of those?

You know what? As I've been writing this blog, I just realized how completely ridiculous this fear is. I'm scared that someone might actually like what I make.

Deep down, my biggest fear isn't: What if I'm not good enough? What if what I do isn't good enough? WHAT IF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE ME? What if they think I'm stupid because I did this wrong? What if they think my creations are simple or amateur?

My biggest fear is this: What if I actually believed that I'm good enough? What if all of my dreams come true?

WHAT IF I'M ACTUALLY WORTH SOMETHING?

Why am I afraid to succeed, you might ask? Why am I afraid to really and truly be happy? I think it's a combination of these things:

1. Everywhere you turn, people are unhappy. It's become the norm, and it's ridiculous.

2. Everywhere you turn, people are negative. About the price of gas. About their dog. About some drapes they got. About love. About our government. About themselves. When was the last time you heard someone say, "Damn! I look good!" Long time ago, right? Thought so.

3. Everywhere you turn, people are telling each other that they can't do things.

• "If I had a personal trainer and chef, I could look like that, too!" (Guess what? You can look like that, and you don't need a personal trainer or chef.)
• "Well, yeah...we'd all like to be a rockstar, but only so many people can do that." Anyone can do that. ANYONE. You don't even have to be able to sing anymore. I promise. Turn on the radios. You'll see. :)
• "You should go to college, get a degree, and get a stable job in this economy. " Uh...why? How is that in ANY way going to make someone more happy if they don't WANT to go to college? And who ever heard of a stable job, anyway? Especially in this economy...hee hee. See how easy it is to be negative?

4. We are taught from a very young age that we are supposed to know exactly what we want to do when we grow up. People even ask 4 year-olds, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and they respond, "A veterinarian," when really they mean, "I want to pet animals all day long."

Some people are truly blessed to know what career they want to follow. My brother knew after watching Dead Poet's Society in high school that he wanted to be a college professor of English. So, what did he do? He got his bachelors, masters and doctorate all in a pretty little row. He is now a college professor of English, just like he always knew he wanted to be. I curse him every day. Just kidding.

But seriously? Who's to say that we need to have one career for our whole lives if we don't want one? Bor-ing. Bor-ing.

In conclusion:

What if we took one step after another towards an ultimate goal that seemed "crazy" or "too good to be true"??? What if we stopped saying stupid, derogatory shit about our bodies? What if you took ONE DAY to write down every, single negative thing you said? What if you TRULY looked at the crap you're saying to yourself every day? (All of these questions are directed at myself, by the way.)

I am just so tired of the negative shit. I'm so sick of listening to privileged people talk about how hard they have it. I'm tired of being scared.

I shall now ask myself this very pertinent question:

What's the worst that could happen if I followed my dream of making "50 of those" and sending them to people that would enjoy them?

Answer: The other people could hate them and return them, and then I would feel bad about myself for 20 minutes until someone else ordered them and loved them. Someone might say, "Those are neat, but I'm not interested." It could be really hard, and I could decide that I don't want to do that anymore, and then I would feel like I was giving up again. I could die on my way to shipping my 50 of those things.

Looking at the above list of possible outcomes, I really don't see any TRUE fears. Even the dying one would be okay because then I could see what's next, which is what is truly interesting to me in the first place. Dying isn't scary. Truly loving yourself is.

I can't believe my one TRUE FEAR is to be able to say how awesome I am out loud and truly believe it...or hear someone else say it and not look down at the floor with a whispered, "thanks."

That's the dumbest shit of which I've ever heard. I'm so sure. Scared of my own awesomeness. Thanks, brain. Thanks for another great, weirdly-shaped piece to the ol' jigsaw puzzle of life!

Gross.

Gonna go work on those 50 things that someone's going to buy soon. Love and DREAMS and PEACE and POSITIVITY to everyone. You are capable of anything and everything in this world. That's what it's here for.

And, don't let the bastards get ya down.

Concerning Mr. Holland's Opus

In my humble opinion, it is one of the worst movies of all time. Let's reflect:

1. Mr. Holland is a totally selfish asshole.

a. He is almost angry at the fact that his son is deaf. No, not because he's angry that his son will have to face numerous obstacles in life. Not anger directed toward a higher power when such things occur in life...no. He's angry because he's a musician, and now his son can't hear what is so important in his life...music. But, more importantly...he can't hear his stupid opus, which is horrible, by the way. We'll return to that shortly.

b. He doesn't learn sign language. Um...hello? Your son is deaf. You are stupid.

c. Mr. Holland doesn't think his son cares about John Lennon dying because he can't hear. Oh, that's right...I forgot that John Lennon only wrote music. He didn't ever paint or draw, or...I don't know...fight for peace or love...hmm...I can see why you would think that your deaf son wouldn't care about him. Idiot.

d. Mr. Holland almost, almost has an affair with one of his students. Actually, he does kiss her. She asks him to come to New York and follow his dreams.

We are led to believe that:

(my outline form is now about to be discarded)

1. Mr. Holland could actually make it as a composer/musician in the Big Apple.

2. That girl would actually ever fall for Mr. Holland...uh...it's Richard Dreyfus. Not exactly the type of guy that 18 year-old girls fall in love with and move to NYC with.

3. Mr. Holland has chosen right over wrong by NOT going to NYC.

This is false because of this fact:

Uh...Mr. Holland was about to commit statutory rape, people. He almost had an affair with an underaged student. He kissed her. He is MARRIED. He didn't choose his family. He dodged jail, that's what he did. GOD...I hate this movie so much.

Hmm, what else? Oh, yeah...

Mr. Holland spends years and years of his life not following his dreams and teaching high school students, which he never wanted to do in the first place. HE HATES IT at the beginning of the movie. He makes the clarinet girl cry. The clarinet girl then becomes the Governor of whatever state they're in, and she shows up to help play his Opus. I can't stand that part, either. The way she comes waltzing in and "saves the day"...so annoying.

How is being a gigantic martyr in any way portraying a "heroic" figure? Hey, I've got a great movie idea! It's called:

"Mr. Holland Actually Does What He Wants to Do Instead of Wasting Two Hours of My Life Acting Like a Selfish A-Hole and Then Getting a Huge Party Thrown For Him Because, Really People, He Stayed Sad and Did It For the Kids."

Jesus. So much more to say about this, but my human boy is waking up.

p.s. Electric guitar solo in your Opus, Mr. Holland? Really??