You Know Who Sucks At Life?

1. People that don't like children.

We get it. You're so into yourself that you choose not to take two seconds to imagine what it would be like to put yourself in the place of a child, therefore initializing the warmth of empathy and compassion that dwells within. You're awesome. You make sarcastic comments and wear huge sunglasses. You roll your eyes when a baby cries. That makes you special, cooler than the rest of us, more sophisticated and "over it."

You know what else it makes you? Someone who sucks at life.

2. People that confuse breastfeeding with sexual touch.

On the Today show, I heard a panel of idiots talking about breastfeeding in public. One woman said, "I mean, I go to the bathroom, but I don't do it in public." That makes sense. Because taking a huge shit and nourishing my human boy is completely comparable. It's actually the first thing I think of when I'm breastfeeding him. "Man, this reminds me of something...(latch, drink, drink)...hmm...I can't quite put my finger on it...(soothing smile, nutritious milk, best possible calcium source)...it's kind of like...AH, YES...TAKING A HUGE SHIT."

But, my point is that they aren't trying to compare it to going to the bathroom. That's just a roundabout way of comparing it to modesty, which then leads to...dun-dun-DUN...sex. Let me get this straight...

My child can see horrible images of murder, blood, disease, violation of human rights, starvation, violence of unimaginable proportions, graphic details of rape, etc. at pretty much any time of day on TV...but, I can't feed my son on a bus with my boob. Got it. Awesome priorities, America. AWESOME.

Anywho, I'm sorry you're confusing sexual touch with the most beautiful connection two people can ever have. Hope you get some professional help for that soon. That's kind of sick in the head. You're gross.

3. The Brilliant Advertising Team Behind Vagisil Feminine Wash

Do I really have to go over this again? Okay...for the last time, ladies:

Feminine washes aren't good for you. They mess with the natural pH of your body. Advertisers (mostly men) want you to buy this so that you have one more thing about which to feel shitty/insecure. Guess what? A good ol' bar of Irish Spring will do the trick. There is literally NO NEED for a special wash for that area. You are wasting your money. NOW...back to the commercial I saw this morning:

A woman turns away in shame, all the while looking embarassed, confused, sad and alone at some sort of work function. Then the copy: "I found out the hard way. All feminine washes are NOT the same..."

(Deep breath by me)

Three things:

1. Found out the hard way? F*&king sick. What the hell are you talking about? If it was really that bad, then you probably have some horrible medical condition, and in that case, you need to see a doctor, pronto.

2. I love it how in commercials that target womens' medical problems, the women are always made to look ashamed or embarassed. As if they're not "clean" enough. Or as if they are less of a woman because they have to pee all the time. I've worked at an advertising firm before. They're evil. Seriously evil.

3. You're wrong, Vagisil. All feminine washes are EXACTLY the same. You know how they're all the same?

THEY ALL SUCK AT LIFE.

In closing, I'm tired. I'm tired of being a woman who has to explain to a man how I should be treated with kindness and respect. I'm tired of men (and women) telling me that my body is something that should be hidden, treated for its strange ailments, hidden from the public, mocked for its imperfections, etc.

Look, I don't want to be an anger ball, but could everyone just get with the program?

Be nicer. Be nicer to children. Be nicer to women. Stop sucking at life.