Feeling Extremely...

grateful.

It's my birthday. Most past birthdays in my life were always accompanied by a sort of longing. A sense of uneasiness that something is missing...a knowing ache that I'm not fulfilled (even though I, in fact, may have been and just not known).

But, not this one.

For the first time in my 32 years, I feel as if everything is in its proper and rightful place within myself and outside of myself. I'd like to say that I came to this realization after long, contemplative walks, talks over coffee, or years of therapy. Although those things helped...it's not why I feel at peace.

Here is why I feel at peace:

I decided to be at peace.

Here is why I decided to feel at peace:

Because Grey is here.

Here is why Grey is here:

To be a constant reminder to get over myself and my past and my shit and my negative thoughts.

I know that I would've come to this realization at some point without him, but he sure did help shove it in my face.

For the first time in 32 years, I can look at myself in the mirror and say, "Hi, body. I like you. You've been a good body. I'm sorry I did all the crap I did to you over the years. Let's let that go. Want some cake? Me, too, body. Me, too. Let's go get some. If you get bigger, body, I'll still make sure you're healthy, ok? If you get smaller, I'll still make sure you're healthy, ok? Thank you, body. Thank you, Self."

For the first time in 32 years, I can look at the person next to me (Beau) and say to myself, "We don't have to be perfect. He is wonderful. We can't stand each other sometimes, and that's okay. We scream horrible things at each other and laugh 20 minutes later. We are doing the best we can. And I know he'll never leave me. I know this because I'll never leave him. When the 'work' of this marriage gets too hard, we remind each other that huge awareness and love is just over the hill. Even the hard parts are good."

For the first time in 32 years, I didn't make a big deal out of my birthday. It was usually in jest in the past. I would send out a mass email to my family on November 1st, announcing that it was my "Birthday Month," where to forward checks, details on the party to come, etc. It was funny at the time (and still), but this year I didn't do it. I didn't because I don't really have the time to do that with a 9 month-old, but I REALLY didn't do it because I just didn't feel the need.

I have had the least self-involved birthday of my entire life. I don't even think I've received a present today, and I don't care. Here's what I care about:

• I care that I get to spend TIME with Lindsey at 1:00.
• I care that TWO old friends stopped by this week.
• I care that Grey laughed the hardest I'd ever seen or heard any baby laugh...and he did because I crumpled some paper.
• I care that my parents are still alive.
• I care that my husband loves me beyond belief or what seems reasonably normal. :)
• I care that people have come out of the woodworks to help me with my business.
• I care that Gus is still alive and kicking (with sore hips, even).
• I care that it rained a lot yesterday because we needed it.
• I care that my sister and brother and two of my best friends.
• I care about creating a happy, warm and cozy home for the holidays.
• I care that everyone knows how much I love them.

So...as I sit here on my 32nd birthday, listening to "Music for Airports" by Brian Eno, I am awash with feelings of gratefulness.

I am in love with being happy. (and with trying to be happy on days when it goes away)

Thank you to everyone, past or present that got me to this place. And thanks to me! I'm pretty cool! :)

Just Goin' For It...

Just a note to say that I haven't forgotten about my blog. I've just been completely and totally busy with...

Starting my card business! Yes, folks. You will soon be able to order "50 of those" if you so choose. Right now I am starting with Christmas/Holiday cards. The other night I came up with 10 designs after Grey went to bed. After drawing them, I said, "Let's do this shizz. Life's short. I want to make some cash!"

Beauregard wholeheartedly agreed.

So...pics to come soon. I just went to the printer and approved the proofs. They're now being printed...2500 of them. Wow. It's a little scary and a LOT exciting to finally be doing this! The cards will come in packs of 10, sealed in biodegradable clear plastic bags. That was a MUST for me. I really didn't want to put more plastic out into the world, but I knew I needed some sort of protective covering, and I found some wonderful products at www.clearbags.com

I love it that you can compost the plastic sleeve! YAY!

Alrighty, have to go do stuff while my extremely fussy and teething human boy naps. I'm the most excited EVER! I shall write more entertaining blogs when I get a chance, but I just wanted to "put it out to the Universe" that yes...yes, I AM following/chasing/designing this dream for myself.

Anybody want to help me stuff bags full of cards? Because I'll need help with that. :)

p.s. $20 for a pack of 10 cards. Seems reasonable enough to me...especially since they're AWESOME.

To-Do List: September 16, 2010

Thought I'd share my actual to-do list that I just wrote out:

• fold laundry on table
• start loads of laundry
• get the fucking laundry done
• vacuum downstairs
• vaccuum upstairs
• learn how to spell vacuum
• mop hardwoods (actually mop...not just "magic shoes")
• clean/straighten Grey's room so that it appears that my child doesn't live in a sea of his own filth and clutter
• hang mobile
• make the bed
• clean kitchen
• dust
• organize some shit
• don't just sit here for 4 hours, staring into space bcuz Grey is gone, and you never get to sit for 4 hours, staring into space
• waste 20 minutes by blogging this

So far, I have the last one accomplished. Oh, and I also took the time to learn how to spell "vacuum" correctly.

Some Random Stuff That People Should Read

1. I have an irrational fear of "crunches" now. My lower back is killing me, and I know that if I bring my abdominal muscles back to their glory days of at least 200 crunches a day, this will be fixed. I cannot bring myself to even try to do 20. I blame my ruptured C-section incision for this. Crazy as it sounds...I just don't want to see my intestines again. Once was enough. Actually, once was too many times. No one should see their own intestines coming out of their mid-section. Ever. Maybe I'll try a "quiet movement forward" tomorrow as I'm horizontal. That's what I'll call it. A "quiet movement forward." See? I'm not doing a "crunch."

2. I think I have some diminished form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I tear up every time an ambulance whizzes past me. It all comes rushing back. This too shall pass.

3. Beau has used the term "double duty" too many times this week. Is he 62? No. Does he use terms on a daily basis that a 62-year-old would say? Yes. Did Granddad actually say "double duty" on the radio today to prove my point that only 62-year-old men say that phrase? Yes. There is no need to describe things as "going double duty," "using double-duty," or "having double-duty." I get it. Two things are happening at once, or you're having to do two things at once. Just say that. :)

4. Grey is completely obsessed with "Super Why" on PBS. I "Super Don't Know Why" he is. He's only 7 months old. He smiles, stares, "talks," and squeals when "Super Why" comes on. I have a theory that is based on the large eyes of the characters. It has to be that. No other television show has this effect on him.

5. Um...Beerminton is the best family event to ever exist on the face of the planet. Combining the consumption of beer, along with playing Badminton...best. family. get-together. idea. EVER. Where else can you see a high school librarian give her entire family the finger? Or see an otherwise sensitive and loving English Professor show absolutely no mercy to his baby sister during the semi-finals? Nowhere else. Just Beerminton. It just keeps getting better every year.

6. I'm pretty amazed with how close my entire extended family is. And, it's a huge family. And we all love each other. It's quite beautiful, really.

7. One can never have too many "girl-fitting" OSU jersey/shirts.

8. The laundry will never get done.

9. Tonight I hacked into my mom's Facebook account (with her permission, of course) and perused family photos and such. It was enlightening. I learned that people are throwing baby kittens from cars in OKC, my uncle is a gifted poet, Lindsey had a great time salsa dancing the other night, Abbey is backing up her phone (so you should just use G-Chat while she's doing that), Shelley likes some picture of some hot guy that I don't know, and Teresa was listening to Leonard Cohen while drinking coffee earlier. DAMN YOU, FACEBOOK! I want to know these things and NOT have an account! How can I accomplish this? I feel as if I may need to just have people send their updates to my personal email account.

10. I would like to thank the boy that I made for helping me lose all of the baby weight PLUS 12 more pounds. Here's how he did it:

a. He sucks the life-force out of me, daily.

b. Breastfeeding (it's different than sucking the life-force out of me, daily)

c. He literally NEVER stops moving while awake. This makes ME constantly move, too. Thanks. Thanks a whole lot.

d. He requires 1-2 walks per day. When I say "requires," I mean it. You don't want to see what happens when he doesn't get to go on a walk.

e. He was born. That makes me need to stay alive. So I eat lots of vegetables.

11. I have no concept of how Fantasy Football works. Beau has tried to explain it to me, and I'm really quite interested, but I find myself just kind of staring off into the distance when the explanation comes. Much like when my father tried to teach me to change a tire 3 times in one summer. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. It's like how telephones work. Who knows? Who cares? They just work, and that's A-OK with me.

12. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever wake up feeling "refreshed" again.

13. Lindsey and I are going to have a drink on Friday night (without children, of course) for the first time in...hell...years? If we don't bring up our children in conversation, we get a special prize. The special prize? Knowing that we can have a conversation and not bring up our children. It's never happened before. Because of the children. In the background. Always interrupting.

14. If I could make one thing happen in this crazy ol' life of mine (sick), I would somehow make it possible for my mom to retire YESTERDAY. Seriously...I am constantly thinking of ways that I could make this happen. She deserves it more than anyone I know.

15. I miss singing for adults. Today, I played the piano and sang Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors" for Grey. He stopped moving (okay, so he stops moving when I'm singing...sorry) for the 2 1/2 minutes that the song lasted, and then gave a little smile and then went back to moving. It was incredibly weird to be singing a song in my "real" voice instead of my usual "mommy-sing-songy" voice. But, he loved it. He also loves "Rainbow Connection" more than sweet potatoes. (He loves sweet potatoes a LOT.)

16. I fall asleep while taking baths on a weekly basis. I'll wake up, and it's 1:15a.m. My baths start at about 11:30p.m. (when I actually get to take one). This means that I have been sleeping in my own, watery filth for an hour and 45 minutes. There's something inherently wrong with sleeping in water.

17. I attended a wedding of a good friend last Saturday. I went by myself. It was weird to be by myself. Just driving along...by myself. Sitting at the wedding...by myself. Driving home...by myself. I had forgotten what that felt like. It was nice.

18. There's a scene in "Date Night" with Tina Fey and Steve Carrell that had to have been literally taken straight from a conversation Beau and I have had on more than one occasion. In fact, when the scene was playing, the Twilight Zone music should've been playing in the background.

Steve (Beau): Do you ever think about leaving me for someone else?

Tina (Cari): No. Never. Not once.

Steve (Beau): Really? Never?

Tina (Cari): Never. If I ever dream of anything like that, it's more like...wishing I could go be by myself. Like, get a hotel room and have even one, uninterrupted thought with no one touching me.

Steve (Beau): That sounds awful.

19. Okay, clouds! I said we needed "rain," not a monsoon.

20. The act of loving someone is so incredibly large (if you truly do love them). And wounds are so incredibly able to be healed (if you truly want to heal them). And some big ones were healed this week. And some little ones.

So...if wounds develop scars and scars then slightly fade (but still give you a little reminder of what to look out for/what happened in the past) and everything is able to be put back together again (in a new and improved array with "75% more knowledge this time!"), then maybe...just maybe...

I could try a "crunch" or two, after all.

Doesn't Feel Like a Year...

Just wanted to take a moment to remember my Papa. It was one year ago, today, that he passed. He made so many things possible for my family this year, and I just wanted to say thank you.

He never got to meet Grey Matthew, which makes me sad.

BUT...I know in my heart that he really DID get to meet Grey Matthew. I will tell stories to Grey to let him know how wonderful his "Grandpa the Great" was as often as I remember.

There is also a cool breeze blowing outside right now that distinctly reminds me of my other Grandpa, Tom. There's something about the promise of fall (most likely, the oncoming football season) that puts a little bit of nostalgia, appreciation, love, respect and that ol' Cowboy pride in my heart. I could really use a Hershey's Kiss right now. And a "fish and van." And a hug.

I miss both of my grandpas more than I can describe.

Why can't Grandpas stick around a little longer?

All of my love to both of you amazing men. You made my family stronger. You've put a whole lot of yourselves into who I am today, whether you know it or not, and I will always, ALWAYS remember that.

Love to all "Grandpas," "Poppys" "Grandpa Bobs," "Granddads," and especially "Papas" today.

:)

P.S.

I also learned today that if you pretend like you didn't know that you couldn't take your baby into the liquor store (while your husband is on a business trip to Chicago), that they just let you take your baby into the liquor store if you, and I quote, "hurry."

Ahh...cold, cold wine. :)

Lifting the Vail

Yes, I know "veil" is spelled wrong. Just read the damn blog.

Two days ago, I returned from Vail, Colorado. It was absolutely beautiful. One day the high temperature was 53 degrees. I was in heaven. But, something was wrong...

Mostly Unimportant (yet, kind of important) Stuff:

Grey did so well. Out of 4 days, he probably had 10 total minutes of complete "freakout." One instance was because he really didn't appreciate the fact that we didn't have a plan and just leisurely decided to drive for longer than he (and we) had anticipated. The other moment was the first 5 minutes of the plane ride home. He screamed his head off, and we became the parents with "that baby," which brings me to this question-y statement:

Um, hey people that give bad looks or roll their eyes or are complete and total assholes to people with crying babies on planes?

You might want to go f*&$ yourselves. Do you truly believe that I have some special way of making my baby NOT cry, and I've decided to not utilize this gift just to annoy the hell out of everyone on the plane? Do you think that maybe my insides and nervous system have completely freaked out as much as or actually MORE than yours, as well? Or, maybe you think that babies aren't supposed to cry when they've never been 30,000 feet in the air, trapped on my lap, ears popping, tired as hell, etc.?

Yeeeeaaahhh, so...if you'd like to be an actual HUMAN BEING and maybe give a knowing nod, ask if there's anything you could do to help (there's not, but that would be nice), or just say, "I'm so sorry. It's so hard, isn't it?" Well...that would be great. Who ARE these people, by the way? People that hate babies/children are completely sad. They're just really sad people. Sorry to ruin your first 5 minutes on the plane, Sad People. I guess I'm never supposed to go on trips or let my child experience anything. I'd like to say, "I hope someone rolls their eyes at how stupid you are someday." But, that's not my style. I hope people are extremely nice to you in the future, Sad People. Maybe it will rub off a little, and you'll see how wonderful life can be.

Anyway. He cried for 5 minutes. It felt like hours. He then slept for the rest of the hour and a half trip. That's my Greybie Baby.

(Thank you to the wonderfully kind man in his early 50's who, upon landing, approached Beau and me and said, "He did so well." I responded, exhausted, "Yeah...I guess." And, then he said, "NO. He did REALLY well." And then he smiled. That man was an angel for one tired family.

There are people in Vail that have nannies. Lots of them. That's how they get to go do fun stuff at night. We do not have a nanny. We will never have a nanny. That is why we were stuck in our suite at Beaver Creek Lodge every night at 6:30pm. It would have been nice to have a glass of wine together at some point. Or dinner. Or just any time alone, really. But, you know what? I wouldn't trade anything for the look on Grey's face when he rolled around on the faux bearskin blanket. Or his first swing ride. Or even just traveling on the trams at the Denver airport. At one point, I texted my mom and said, "So...when babies go to sleep at night, you don't take them out, right? You just let them sleep and you have to stay in your room?" She said, "Yep. Don't want to wake a tired boy when he's down for the count."

I responded, "Being a parent is really hard."

Her response, "Yep. It sure is, sweetie. So, so hard."

Stuff That's Really Important:

Believe it or not, I hadn't been to Colorado in 9 years. That's so strange to even type. I have no idea why I hadn't been back in so long. I loved it the first time. Quick synopsis of first trip:

First husband and I decide to take a trip to Vail a month before our wedding. We (pretty randomly) decide to get a marriage license in Colorado. We drive to Rocky Mountain National Park and get married on top of a mountain. (You don't have to have a minister or official in Colorado.) We have "fake" wedding a month later with friends and family. I was 22.

Some months ago, Beau decided we should go to Beaver Creek. It is about a mile west of Vail. It's breathtakingly beautiful. Nan and Granddad had gone several times over the past couple years, and so we just decided this would be a great first family trip. Beau had also never been to this part of Colorado, and I was trying to describe how wonderful the trip west on I-70 from Denver to Vail is. He got to see for himself.

Our rental car had satellite radio in it, and we set it on "Coffeehouse," an acoustic station that usually has pretty good music on it. Not too loud for Grey. No kids' songs to drive us insane. As we got closer and closer to Vail, I started to feel uneasy. I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with me.

Old David Gray songs kept coming on Coffeehouse. Then a cover of "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay." When Martin Sexton played next, I let out a silent, "You've got to be effing kidding me," in my own brain. It was literally one song after another of songs that either:

1. My ex-husband and I used to sing together over and over and over (or)

2. My ex-husband and I used to listen to together over and over and over

As we continued down I-70, we drove past Georgetown. That's where I got my marriage license. The sinking feeling continued, and I tried to suppress it as best I could, while still trying to smile and point at "pretty stuff" and sing to Grey Matthew.

But, the uneasiness wouldn't go away. As the days went on, we visited the garden where I had taken a picture of my hand next to my ex-husband's hand with our rings on. It was a silly, 22 year-old thing to do. We drove past the condos we stayed in. We went past the town where we tried, unsuccessfully, to get our license the first time (I forgot my license...a sign? Just kidding).

I kept trying to reason with myself. I would say, "Really, Cari. It's been 9 years since all of that. What is going on? Why is this bothering you so much??" So, I asked myself questions while Beau probably wondered why the hell I wasn't talking very much:

Are you sad because of what happened?

No. Not anymore, anyway.

Do you feel like you have "unfinished business" with him?

Not really. I feel really okay with us now.

Do you miss him? Does this place make you miss him?

Not exactly. I miss him as one would miss a best friend that they've lost. But, that's not quite it. I can't really put my finger on what this feeling is...

What is it, Cari? Why are you so sad? WHAT IS IT?

I miss myself.

You're not happy? Yourself how??

I miss my SELF then. I miss who I was. No, no. Not the drinking, dramatic, unhealthy, self-degrading self....but...

Then WHAT?

I miss the self that hadn't been through all that crap, yet. I miss the self that wasn't jaded and was open to everything possible, and didn't feel old or run down and loved so freely and openly and hung on to their partner's every word because they didn't know that it would end or that relationships sometimes don't survive.

Oh. That self.

Yep. That one. That girl. I miss that girl. I miss how that girl was until it all fell apart. And, I wouldn't change a thing, and I wouldn't want to go back, and I'm thankful that it all happened, and I'm happy where I am, but I STILL MISS THE INNOCENCE.

So, 3 days into the trip, I finally decide to tell Beau all of this after we got into a completely stupid fight. You know the kind....the kind of fight that is the most important fight in the entire world, and 3 months later you can't remember what the hell the fight was about. But, you remember that you fought. And it was bad.

And, after I told him that I missed my own innocence, he admitted that he missed his, too. And, then we admitted to each other that we kind of felt old and worn down. And, then we admitted to each other that we never want to feel this way again. I think the line, "I feel as if our marriage is hanging on by a thread," was mentioned. And then, "What is wrong with us? I don't want to feel like your business partner." And then, "I miss being in love." And finally, "Let's be in love again no matter what it takes." And then, "I'm never going to leave you." And then, "Marriage is hard." And then, "We're both so emotional that we put everything we are into that baby. We're losing each other." And then, "Let's decide to be young and happy for the rest of our lives." And then we cried, and Beau called it, "Cryday Friday," and so we laughed through tears.

And, then we decided to just have the one child. :)

I think sometimes it's good to go back to places that meant something very special to you at one point...just to see how it's changed and how it's changed you and how you've changed in its absence. It's good to remember those you loved deeply and courageously and blindly. It's good to listen to songs that remind you of them and how you were and what love meant then and what love means now and how much you've changed and wonder how they're doing and then smile at the man across from you and let yourself cry for as long as you need.

And then it's good to take a deep breath, turn off the radio...and go home.